I no longer fear hell, for I have dealt with Xbox support
Apr 26, 2010 | Filed under Games, Rants
I recently purchased an Xbox 360 Elite, partially to relieve the burden of my first-gen 360’s crowded hard drive, and partially to serve as a Media Center extender for my impending conversion to a Media Center DVR. And I was quite happy to have a brand new controller, one where the joysticks centered properly and the nubs hadn’t been worn off.
Except the controller that came with the Elite was broken. The left trigger squeaked and stuck, which means I’d be stuck with my face in my sights in Modern Warfare 2 while being shot to death from the side. When something affects a man’s kill/death ratio, I think it should be considered a serious flaw.
The object of my hatred, sitting on a throw pillow.
On April 1, I called the 1-800-4MY-XBOX line and spoke to a friendly, if heavily-accented woman after navigating my way through the voice prompt system (“Representative. No. REPRESENTATIVE!”). She registered my new console and asked me if I’d be willing to pay a shipping and handling fee for a new controller to be sent to me. I said, no, that’s dumb, I’m not paying for a replacement for the defective product that I already paid for — although I said it much more nicely. Honest. She put me on hold for a moment, and said she’d waive the shipping and handling charge, and it would take about 5-10 business days to process and send me a new controller.
That to me made sense. Why frustrate customers, especially one whose first 360 got sent back twice due to RRoD errors (twice!) — and whose original Xbox had to have the DVD drive replaced out of warranty? The controller itself costs Microsoft at most $11 (and that was in 2006, it’s most likely much cheaper now), and that’s a pretty low price for customer satisfaction.
Twenty days later, there was no controller.
I called Xbox support again.
“Yes. Hardware. Representative. No. REPRESENTATIVE!” Continued »
The end of an era
Apr 21, 2010 | Filed under Misc.
The other day, a very sad thought occurred to me. The advent of digital cable means the death of scrambled cable porn. What was once a proud ritual of pubescent boys, switching over to the PPV channels late at night and watching the scrambled feed — “Is that a boob or an elbow? I think I just saw a vagina!” — that ritual is now dead. Bonding with other boys at a sleepover, inside jokes about the terrible music…all gone. It’s a sad, sad day for American youth.
"Those were the daaaaaaaaaaaayyysss..."
I believe a moment of silence is in order.
The Ballad of Tara Shepard (or: Why I’m playing the first Mass Effect again)
Mar 2, 2010 | Filed under Games
Playing through the first Mass Effect was one of the most gratifying single player video game experiences I’ve ever had. The second time I played it, that is.
The first time I played through the RPG dressed-up as a shooter, I played through as “Mark Shepard”, and I did what I usually do in games that offer you a lot of choices: I did what I’d do if I were there. And it turns out, I’m kind of a Boy Scout. I scored very high as a “Paragon” on the morality scale, meaning most of my decisions were selfless, and I always tried to talk things through before things got violent. The universe that BioWare crafted was deep and engaging, and the characters colorful and interesting, but the game was just good, not truly great.
Then I started my second playthrough as “Tara Shepard” — and I decided to do something different. Instead of playing as myself, I crafted a character, as though I were writing a story. Tara wasn’t a straight “Renegade” — the opposite of Paragon on the game’s morality scale, but she was a badass. [Note: spoilers from the plot of the first Mass Effect follow - no ME2 spoilers] Continued »
LOST Season 6 predictions
Feb 2, 2010 | Filed under TV
In anticipation of the last good serialized sci-fi show left on TV starting it’s final season tonight, I’d like to offer up my predictions for what LOST fans may anticipate over the coming weeks.
- The Oceanic 815 survivors will make it off the island, only to realize they left the coffee pot on and have to go back again.
- The meaning of Jack’s other tattoos will be revealed: stubborn, petulant, whiny, and self-righteous.
- The Smoke Monster will finally speak. It will be voiced by Gary Coleman.
- Hurley will say “dude” several times.
- It will be revealed that Jacob is actually Christian Shepherd’s father, making him Jack’s actual grandfather. His grandmother will be…Libby.
- The “Kate episode” will suck.
- Walt will show up sporting a beard. This will be explained as being a result of magnetic time flux or whatever.
- Ben Linus will be murdered. He will constantly lie about being dead.
- The true identity of Jacob’s nemesis: YOU, THE VIEWER! It was you all along!
Talking lemons and porn stars: a small collection of 30 Rock parodies
Oct 29, 2009 | Filed under TV
Okay, even though this season has gotten off to a rough start, 30 Rock is still one of my all-time favorite TV shows. And, given my documented fondness for Sesame Street, you can imagine how tickled I was to find this very clever send-up sketch, entitled “30 Rocks.”
I’m quite amused by the fact that Liz Lemon is in fact, a lemon. Plus, the Alec Baldwin muppet is just awesome.
I was also quite surprised to find out that 30 Rock had become such a pop-culture force as to warrant a porn parody. I haven’t seen the actual adult film, mind you (honest!), but this trailer for it is pretty damn funny. Slightly NSFW – no nudity or sex, but there are a few swears so you might want to turn your speakers down if you work with prudes.
I didn’t even know they made parody porn like this any more. It’s weird to think that people who make porn watch 30 Rock and actually get it enough to make a clever parody — although I suppose it’s less ‘parody’ than ‘pornographic facsimile’. There’s enough fan service in the trailer alone to remind me of the Star Wars porn in Zack and Miri Make a Porno. Also, in a weird bit of meta-happenstance, the internets tell me that the actress playing Tina Fey’s part here also played Sarah Palin in Nailin’ Palin (also didn’t see that one. Honest!), and she also guest starred on the actual 30 Rock as a porn actress playing Liz Lemon. So, she’s basically the porn mirror-universe version of Tina Fey. Hey, a porn mirror-universe episode of Star Trek would be totally awesome. I’m just saying.
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Watch what you advertise
Oct 23, 2009 | Filed under Misc., Rants
I’m not really a ‘fancy watch’ kind of guy. I rarely dress up, and the few watches I’ve owned were Fossils that I liked but didn’t last longer than a year. Because, of course, FOSSIL WATCHES ARE CHEAP WATCHES. So I’ve never owned a watch that cost more than, say, $80. And I was okay with that. Even if I could afford a nice watch (I can’t), it probably wouldn’t be a priority. Lots of other things could be bought with a few thousand dollars. Nerdy things, if not entirely practical ones.
And then I was browsing through this month’s Wired. And I turned to page 91. And I saw…it. A full-page ad featuring a black Rado watch. I’m pretty sure my mouth watered upon the sight of it. ”I want that on my wrist. Now.”
I do not recall a time when a magazine advertisement was so effective, so instantly compelling. I immediately hopped up and went to the Rado store site listed at the bottom of the ad to find this piece of beauty, this curved, black slab of perfection — something I’m pretty sure I’ve never done before — and looked for it. And looked. And looked.
And the sonofabitch wasn’t there.
Not that it really mattered. Not that I could afford one at the moment…or, you know, ever. There were some passable watches there on the site. Nothing worth the asking price, in my estimation. But this…thing…this irresistible bit of perfection, seemingly fashioned specifically for my wrist…was nowhere to be found. I couldn’t even admire it from afar…perhaps price it and begin to save for it (or shop for mortgages to afford it). Because it DOESN’T EXIST OUTSIDE OF THE STUPID AD IN WIRED MAGAZINE.
So, in conclusion, I’d like to say: Dear Rado advertising department — please get your shit together. And please send me one of those sublime, apparently non-existent watches. Thanks.
Random Playlist: I know why the Caged Elephant sings
Oct 22, 2009 | Filed under RandomPlaylist, music
The first time I heard Cage the Elephant on the radio, it was like a breath of fresh air. The song, “Ain’t No Rest For The Wicked
Unfortunately, it turns out, the first time I heard the song on the radio in my native Dallas was the last time. At least, while I was in Dallas. While none of the ClearChannel-choked radio stations in the Dallas area have ever played the song again (while I was listening, anyway), I’ve heard it almost every single time I’ve gone out of town. Maybe Cage the Elephant did something to piss off ClearChannel (perhaps they all slept with, then failed to call the CEO’s daughter?). Who knows? Maybe the prominent role the song plays in the game Borderlands, which came out on Tuesday, will finally get it the attention it deserves in Big D. Maybe I need to just suck it up and get a satellite radio. Either way, enjoy Cage the Elephant.
Screw iTunes. Get your music from Amazon.com