The Ballad of Tara Shepard (or: Why I’m playing the first Mass Effect again)
Mar 2, 2010 | Filed under Games
Playing through the first Mass Effect was one of the most gratifying single player video game experiences I’ve ever had. The second time I played it, that is.
The first time I played through the RPG dressed-up as a shooter, I played through as “Mark Shepard”, and I did what I usually do in games that offer you a lot of choices: I did what I’d do if I were there. And it turns out, I’m kind of a Boy Scout. I scored very high as a “Paragon” on the morality scale, meaning most of my decisions were selfless, and I always tried to talk things through before things got violent. The universe that BioWare crafted was deep and engaging, and the characters colorful and interesting, but the game was just good, not truly great.
Then I started my second playthrough as “Tara Shepard” — and I decided to do something different. Instead of playing as myself, I crafted a character, as though I were writing a story. Tara wasn’t a straight “Renegade” — the opposite of Paragon on the game’s morality scale, but she was a badass. [Note: spoilers from the plot of the first Mass Effect follow - no ME2 spoilers]
Tara kicked ass and took names. She didn’t have any patience for bureaucrats or politics, or playing nice, and she had an itchy trigger-finger. But she did have a sense of justice, and a soft spot for a hard luck story. She made tough calls, she got the job done, and most importantly, Wrex – the most awesome character in the entire game – lived! That annoying brat Ashley didn’t shoot him in the back like she did in my first game, thanks to the choices I made for Tara. And that’s when I noticed the game had really come to life. Instead of just experiencing the universe, I was helping to create it. The universe seemed more real, more flushed-out, and the characters invoked even deeper responses from myself as a player. I wasn’t in the movie anymore, I was directing it. It was zen: storytelling, gaming, and entertainment nirvana.
I’ve had the sequel, Mass Effect 2, since Christmas, but had been waiting to break it out until I’d gotten more done (I haven’t) and my office was clean (it isn’t). I finally cracked it open and attempted to import Tara into the sequel, ready to continue her adventures…but the character import tool didn’t work. Some cursory googling told me that the issue may be due to my last 360 repair which broke the DRM on my console, and it didn’t help that I’d started a second playthrough as Tara and never finished.
I started the sequel up anyway, creating a new Tara, and re-entered the universe again. The game is impressive, sure, but this isn’t my Shepard. The choices you make in the first game will carry-over to the sequel, if you can import your character, but if not, the sequel assumes you made the easiest decisions from the first game. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was missing out on a lot. And most importantly, even though he never came up, I knew Wrex was dead. I played through the shooter dressed-up as an RPG long enough to round up all my party members, and it still wasn’t sitting right. I found out that your character will actually be importable into Mass Effect 3, and that gave me even more pause. Did I really want to keep going with this…impostor? This wasn’t the Shepard I’d created, and this wasn’t the universe that sucked me in the last time I played it.
So, I put up the Mass Effect 2 discs, and pulled out the original. I fired it up, and continued my second playthrough as Tara. It felt good, choppy framerate, elevator rides and all. And when I’ve finished, then I’ll be able to play the sequel the way it was meant to be played.
Just to be on the safe side, I deleted the Mass Effect 2 save data, since my Shepard and the faux-Shepard share the same first name. I didn’t hesitate. Tara Shepard wouldn’t have, either.
LOST Season 6 predictions
Feb 2, 2010 | Filed under TV
In anticipation of the last good serialized sci-fi show left on TV starting it’s final season tonight, I’d like to offer up my predictions for what LOST fans may anticipate over the coming weeks.
- The Oceanic 815 survivors will make it off the island, only to realize they left the coffee pot on and have to go back again.
- The meaning of Jack’s other tattoos will be revealed: stubborn, petulant, whiny, and self-righteous.
- The Smoke Monster will finally speak. It will be voiced by Gary Coleman.
- Hurley will say “dude” several times.
- It will be revealed that Jacob is actually Christian Shepherd’s father, making him Jack’s actual grandfather. His grandmother will be…Libby.
- The “Kate episode” will suck.
- Walt will show up sporting a beard. This will be explained as being a result of magnetic time flux or whatever.
- Ben Linus will be murdered. He will constantly lie about being dead.
- The true identity of Jacob’s nemesis: YOU, THE VIEWER! It was you all along!
Talking lemons and porn stars: a small collection of 30 Rock parodies
Oct 29, 2009 | Filed under TV
Okay, even though this season has gotten off to a rough start, 30 Rock is still one of my all-time favorite TV shows. And, given my documented fondness for Sesame Street, you can imagine how tickled I was to find this very clever send-up sketch, entitled “30 Rocks.”
I’m quite amused by the fact that Liz Lemon is in fact, a lemon. Plus, the Alec Baldwin muppet is just awesome.
I was also quite surprised to find out that 30 Rock had become such a pop-culture force as to warrant a porn parody. I haven’t seen the actual adult film, mind you (honest!), but this trailer for it is pretty damn funny. Slightly NSFW – no nudity or sex, but there are a few swears so you might want to turn your speakers down if you work with prudes.
I didn’t even know they made parody porn like this any more. It’s weird to think that people who make porn watch 30 Rock and actually get it enough to make a clever parody — although I suppose it’s less ‘parody’ than ‘pornographic facsimile’. There’s enough fan service in the trailer alone to remind me of the Star Wars porn in Zack and Miri Make a Porno. Also, in a weird bit of meta-happenstance, the internets tell me that the actress playing Tina Fey’s part here also played Sarah Palin in Nailin’ Palin (also didn’t see that one. Honest!), and she also guest starred on the actual 30 Rock as a porn actress playing Liz Lemon. So, she’s basically the porn mirror-universe version of Tina Fey. Hey, a porn mirror-universe episode of Star Trek would be totally awesome. I’m just saying.
Loading ...Watch what you advertise
Oct 23, 2009 | Filed under Misc., Rants
I’m not really a ‘fancy watch’ kind of guy. I rarely dress up, and the few watches I’ve owned were Fossils that I liked but didn’t last longer than a year. Because, of course, FOSSIL WATCHES ARE CHEAP WATCHES. So I’ve never owned a watch that cost more than, say, $80. And I was okay with that. Even if I could afford a nice watch (I can’t), it probably wouldn’t be a priority. Lots of other things could be bought with a few thousand dollars. Nerdy things, if not entirely practical ones.
And then I was browsing through this month’s Wired. And I turned to page 91. And I saw…it. A full-page ad featuring a black Rado watch. I’m pretty sure my mouth watered upon the sight of it. ”I want that on my wrist. Now.”
I do not recall a time when a magazine advertisement was so effective, so instantly compelling. I immediately hopped up and went to the Rado store site listed at the bottom of the ad to find this piece of beauty, this curved, black slab of perfection — something I’m pretty sure I’ve never done before — and looked for it. And looked. And looked.
And the sonofabitch wasn’t there.
Not that it really mattered. Not that I could afford one at the moment…or, you know, ever. There were some passable watches there on the site. Nothing worth the asking price, in my estimation. But this…thing…this irresistible bit of perfection, seemingly fashioned specifically for my wrist…was nowhere to be found. I couldn’t even admire it from afar…perhaps price it and begin to save for it (or shop for mortgages to afford it). Because it DOESN’T EXIST OUTSIDE OF THE STUPID AD IN WIRED MAGAZINE.
So, in conclusion, I’d like to say: Dear Rado advertising department — please get your shit together. And please send me one of those sublime, apparently non-existent watches. Thanks.
Random Playlist: I know why the Caged Elephant sings
Oct 22, 2009 | Filed under RandomPlaylist, music
The first time I heard Cage the Elephant on the radio, it was like a breath of fresh air. The song, “Ain’t No Rest For The Wicked
Unfortunately, it turns out, the first time I heard the song on the radio in my native Dallas was the last time. At least, while I was in Dallas. While none of the ClearChannel-choked radio stations in the Dallas area have ever played the song again (while I was listening, anyway), I’ve heard it almost every single time I’ve gone out of town. Maybe Cage the Elephant did something to piss off ClearChannel (perhaps they all slept with, then failed to call the CEO’s daughter?). Who knows? Maybe the prominent role the song plays in the game Borderlands, which came out on Tuesday, will finally get it the attention it deserves in Big D. Maybe I need to just suck it up and get a satellite radio. Either way, enjoy Cage the Elephant.
Screw iTunes. Get your music from Amazon.com
Unforgiven sucks. There, I said it.
Oct 15, 2009 | Filed under Movies
Once upon a time, I held fast to the notion that I didn’t like movie westerns. I don’t know why, I just assumed I didn’t. I’d seen Tombstone, which sort of counts, but I didn’t love it as much as my friends. I mean, it has Val Kilmer dying of tuberculosis and Kurt Russel sporting a killer mustache, and that’s about all it has going for it. I didn’t hate the movie, but the fact that I had to google it to remember that Kurt Russel was the star in the first place should tell you the impression it made on me. And that was the only western I’d ever managed to watch, unless you count that one episode of Star Trek:TNG where Data has tits.
And then, a friend made me watch The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.
Holy. Shit.
The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly is quite possibly one of the coolest movies ever made. Not westerns, movies. It deserves more praise than I’m going to give it here, but I seriously felt shamed into thinking I was above the entire genre. Good is actually the third in what’s known as director Sergio Leone’s ‘Dollars trilogy’, starting with A Fistful of Dollars and A Few Dollars More, all starring Clint Eastwood as ‘The Man with No Name’ (or Joe…whatever). I was finally able to catch all three thanks to the awesomeness that is HDNet Movies (seriously, if I ever meet Mark Cuban, it will be hard for me not to hug him). And they’re all great!
Also, he has so much money at the end of all three movies.
Know what else HDNet is playing this month? Unforgiven. “Of course!” I thought. “What a great chaser to Sergio Leone’s classic trilogy! It’s directed by Clint Eastwood himself, and surely he picked up some of Leone’s greatness. It even won the Oscar for Best Picture, and the Academy never picks overrated, bloated, preachy movies for Best Picture. Right? Right??” Continued »
The movies-by-mail dilemma
Oct 13, 2009 | Filed under Movies
I sincerely need help with this problem, and I hope reaching out to the depths of the internets can help me. We’re talking a Sophie’s Choice-caliber problem here, people: I am currently signed up for both major movies-by-mail programs, and I need to cancel one.
I’ve been a Blockbuster Total Access subscriber for a couple of years now, and for the most part, the mail service works great. Movies arrive within a day (or they did, before I moved and mail service got infinitely shittier at my new zip), and I generally get what’s at the top of my queue, except for the occasional rare item. But, once the Xbox 360 dashboard update came out allowing you to browse Netflix’s streaming catalog straight from the living room, I thought I’d give it a try. And now, I’m seriously torn. And keeping both is not an option, no matter how much I beg the lady of the house.
Both deliver movies by mail efficiently, and have a pretty vast selection of Blu-ray and DVDs, so those are non-issues. It’s all about the extras.
The facts are these: Continued »