What the hell is wrong with Microsoft?
Sep 1, 2010 | Filed under Gadgets, Games, Misc., Rants
I’ve never really understood the devotion of die-hard Apple fanatics. You know the type: the ones who have owned all four versions of the iPhone, the ones who think the Apple TV was a good idea, the ones who will argue with a straight face that Aperture can be just as good as Photoshop.
I’ve often thought it must be hard to be an Apple fanboy. It’s not unlike being in an abusive relationship; no matter how much disdain Cupertino shows for their customers, they continue to make excuses, talk about how much they love their giant iPod, and bend over when Apple launches their next annual iteration of their hot product with the ‘new’ feature they left off the last version.
But if loving Apple is like being in an abusive relationship, liking Microsoft is like being in a co-dependent relationship with someone who doesn’t even know you’re there. In my household, I have three computers running Windows 7, a Windows Home Server, an original Xbox, two Xbox 360s, three Microsoft-branded mice. I’m very much looking forward to Windows Phone 7, despite living through two separate crappy Windows Mobile 6.0 and 6.1 phones. I’m ditching TiVo for Windows Media Center as soon as my InfiniTV 4 tuner arrives, and I show all my friends that come over how awesome it is. I’ve come to accept the fact that, yeah, I am a Microsoft fanboy.
But since I’m not a corporate customer ordering 200 copies of Windows 7 and Office, I might as well not even exist.
There are obviously people at Microsoft who are still concerned with the quality of the product they produce. However, it’s starting more and more to look like the company is being managed by brain-damaged accountants who have no ability to see beyond an Excel spreadsheet and the company share price. Microsoft: I still like you, but you’re making it really, really hard to keep liking you. This is why: Continued »
Dear Blockbuster, this is why you’re going bankrupt
Aug 30, 2010 | Filed under Movies, Open Letter
Last weekend, I went to one of your bigger stores in the area to rent Tron. You didn’t have Tron, not on Blu-Ray or DVD. One of your helpful employees checked, and none of your stores in the area had it, either. A cult hit with a major sequel coming out in just a few months.
I couldn’t find anything else on Blu-Ray that I wanted to watch (how is it that Netflix’s barely stocked Watch Instantly selection is better than your store’s Blu-Ray area?), so I rented Kick-Ass. Kick-Ass, by the way, is not a very good movie.
I paid $3 for a one-day Blu-Ray rental, when I could have gotten it at a Redbox for $1.50. And I have to take this video back to the store I rented it from instead of just dropping it off at any Blockbuster that I happen to be near. I also had a late fee sitting on my account. From months ago. So that’s fun.
I think I’m just going to up my disc count from Netflix next time.
I no longer fear hell, for I have dealt with Xbox support
Apr 26, 2010 | Filed under Games, Rants
I recently purchased an Xbox 360 Elite, partially to relieve the burden of my first-gen 360′s crowded hard drive, and partially to serve as a Media Center extender for my impending conversion to a Media Center DVR. And I was quite happy to have a brand new controller, one where the joysticks centered properly and the nubs hadn’t been worn off.
Except the controller that came with the Elite was broken. The left trigger squeaked and stuck, which means I’d be stuck with my face in my sights in Modern Warfare 2 while being shot to death from the side. When something affects a man’s kill/death ratio, I think it should be considered a serious flaw.
The object of my hatred, sitting on a throw pillow.
On April 1, I called the 1-800-4MY-XBOX line and spoke to a friendly, if heavily-accented woman after navigating my way through the voice prompt system (“Representative. No. REPRESENTATIVE!”). She registered my new console and asked me if I’d be willing to pay a shipping and handling fee for a new controller to be sent to me. I said, no, that’s dumb, I’m not paying for a replacement for the defective product that I already paid for — although I said it much more nicely. Honest. She put me on hold for a moment, and said she’d waive the shipping and handling charge, and it would take about 5-10 business days to process and send me a new controller.
That to me made sense. Why frustrate customers, especially one whose first 360 got sent back twice due to RRoD errors (twice!) — and whose original Xbox had to have the DVD drive replaced out of warranty? The controller itself costs Microsoft at most $11 (and that was in 2006, it’s most likely much cheaper now), and that’s a pretty low price for customer satisfaction.
Twenty days later, there was no controller.
I called Xbox support again.
“Yes. Hardware. Representative. No. REPRESENTATIVE!” Continued »
The end of an era
Apr 21, 2010 | Filed under Misc.
The other day, a very sad thought occurred to me. The advent of digital cable means the death of scrambled cable porn. What was once a proud ritual of pubescent boys, switching over to the PPV channels late at night and watching the scrambled feed — “Is that a boob or an elbow? I think I just saw a vagina!” — that ritual is now dead. Bonding with other boys at a sleepover, inside jokes about the terrible music…all gone. It’s a sad, sad day for American youth.
"Those were the daaaaaaaaaaaayyysss..."
I believe a moment of silence is in order.
The Ballad of Tara Shepard (or: Why I’m playing the first Mass Effect again)
Mar 2, 2010 | Filed under Games
Playing through the first Mass Effect was one of the most gratifying single player video game experiences I’ve ever had. The second time I played it, that is.
The first time I played through the RPG dressed-up as a shooter, I played through as “Mark Shepard”, and I did what I usually do in games that offer you a lot of choices: I did what I’d do if I were there. And it turns out, I’m kind of a Boy Scout. I scored very high as a “Paragon” on the morality scale, meaning most of my decisions were selfless, and I always tried to talk things through before things got violent. The universe that BioWare crafted was deep and engaging, and the characters colorful and interesting, but the game was just good, not truly great.
Then I started my second playthrough as “Tara Shepard” — and I decided to do something different. Instead of playing as myself, I crafted a character, as though I were writing a story. Tara wasn’t a straight “Renegade” — the opposite of Paragon on the game’s morality scale, but she was a badass. [Note: spoilers from the plot of the first Mass Effect follow - no ME2 spoilers] Continued »
LOST Season 6 predictions
Feb 2, 2010 | Filed under TV
In anticipation of the last good serialized sci-fi show left on TV starting it’s final season tonight, I’d like to offer up my predictions for what LOST fans may anticipate over the coming weeks.
- The Oceanic 815 survivors will make it off the island, only to realize they left the coffee pot on and have to go back again.
- The meaning of Jack’s other tattoos will be revealed: stubborn, petulant, whiny, and self-righteous.
- The Smoke Monster will finally speak. It will be voiced by Gary Coleman.
- Hurley will say “dude” several times.
- It will be revealed that Jacob is actually Christian Shepherd’s father, making him Jack’s actual grandfather. His grandmother will be…Libby.
- The “Kate episode” will suck.
- Walt will show up sporting a beard. This will be explained as being a result of magnetic time flux or whatever.
- Ben Linus will be murdered. He will constantly lie about being dead.
- The true identity of Jacob’s nemesis: YOU, THE VIEWER! It was you all along!
Talking lemons and porn stars: a small collection of 30 Rock parodies
Oct 29, 2009 | Filed under TV
Okay, even though this season has gotten off to a rough start, 30 Rock is still one of my all-time favorite TV shows. And, given my documented fondness for Sesame Street, you can imagine how tickled I was to find this very clever send-up sketch, entitled “30 Rocks.”
I’m quite amused by the fact that Liz Lemon is in fact, a lemon. Plus, the Alec Baldwin muppet is just awesome.
I was also quite surprised to find out that 30 Rock had become such a pop-culture force as to warrant a porn parody. I haven’t seen the actual adult film, mind you (honest!), but this trailer for it is pretty damn funny. Slightly NSFW – no nudity or sex, but there are a few swears so you might want to turn your speakers down if you work with prudes.
I didn’t even know they made parody porn like this any more. It’s weird to think that people who make porn watch 30 Rock and actually get it enough to make a clever parody — although I suppose it’s less ‘parody’ than ‘pornographic facsimile’. There’s enough fan service in the trailer alone to remind me of the Star Wars porn in Zack and Miri Make a Porno. Also, in a weird bit of meta-happenstance, the internets tell me that the actress playing Tina Fey’s part here also played Sarah Palin in Nailin’ Palin (also didn’t see that one. Honest!), and she also guest starred on the actual 30 Rock as a porn actress playing Liz Lemon. So, she’s basically the porn mirror-universe version of Tina Fey. Hey, a porn mirror-universe episode of Star Trek would be totally awesome. I’m just saying.
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