An Open Letter to Your Mom
Apr 17, 2008 | Filed under Misc., Open Letter
Well, good afternoon Mrs. Henderson. How are you? Mhmm, mhmm. I’m pretty good, thanks for asking. Yup. Oh, he’s not home? Okay, I can wait here for him, if you’re sure you don’t mind. Thank you.
Have you redecorated lately? Yeah, I see that. I like them, I really do. Cookies? Oh, thank you, you’re too kind. No, I love chocolate chip, they’re my favorite. Yes, I’d love some milk to go with them. Thank you. Oh, no, nothing’s wrong with the cookies, I just really don’t like to be touched when I’m eating, and well, your hand is on my thigh, Mrs. Henderson.
That’s okay. Oh no, I’m embarrassed! Right, just a misunderstanding. These cookies really are great, though. You don’t say. Actually, now that you mention it, it is a little hot in here. No of course not, but, well, I can see your bra now, Mrs. Henderson. Sure it’s nice, as far as bras go, I just thought…oh, well, I didn’t expect you to show me more of it. Satin, huh? Oh, I don’t think so. Well yes, now that you’ve placed my hand on it, it does feel soft. No, they are nice, I do like them. Well I never thought about it, but I guess you are sexier than my other friends’ moms. Would I say you’re a MILF? How do you even know what that means?
Okay! No, I’m sorry, it just shocked me. Your hands are very cold. I don’t understand, how could I help you warm them up? Oh! No, I did not expect you to do that. No, it is nice, it’s just that my pants are a little snug so it’s…oh, no, that’s not what I was implying at all, Mrs. Henderson. No, you really don’t have to help me take them off…but…yes, Mrs. Henderson.
Have I ever what? No, I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the air conditioner. Well, it depends on what “more experienced” means, exactly. Oh. Uh-huh. I guess not, then. Of course that feels good, it’s…oh, yeah, that does feel better.
Did I hear what…? Your husband is home? He’ll what? Oh shit. No, I’m trying, I’m trying. It’s stuck, I think the zipper is stuck. Out the back? Then what? Over the fence? Seriously? Okay. Wait! My wallet! Oh damn, oh damn, oh damn.
Unf! Wow, that was a rush. I can’t remember the last time I jumped a fence. I must have been…oh dammit, I think I left my phone back there.