Ridiculously specific and inappropriate Mother’s Day cards

I hope everyone had a good Mother’s Day yesterday. I also hope you remembered to send my best wishes to your mom for me.

While shopping for Mother’s Day cards last week, I was amazed at how specific some of the cards were. Amongst category headers such as “Mother – funny” or “From son,” there were increasingly specific categories like, “Mother – close relationship.” Some of them even got more specific (forgive the blurry camera phone pics).

Now, normally when I buy a card for any occasion, I try to find a card that’s personal, meaningful, and actually applicable. This can frequently lead to long, frustrating times spent inside a Hallmark store, so I usually just resort to finding a funny non-sequitur card that either elicits a groan or a head scratch, depending on who I give it to. But some cards, I think, get a little too specific.

I would argue that this particular card becomes a little too explicit for its own good about halfway down the front. Either people buy this card for the sentiment alone, ignoring the particulars, or there are a lot more scratched, stained, painted, nicked, dented, glue-bumped, scorched kitchen tables that served as a hub for familial bonding moments than I think there are. Oh, and that are fondly remembered by men – remember, it says “A son remembers” in scripty font at the top there. This also raises serious questions about the party (parties) responsible for this card. Was it a frustrated greeting card writer, so tired of having his card ideas rejected that he was led to open up a very personal memory about his own relationship with his mother, laying his soul bare for mass distribution into franchised card stores that smell of overpowering potpourri and have large buttons you can press that play tired party hits from the early 90′s? Or, was it a cynical bastard (or committee of bastards), cynically and calculatingly trying to exploit the emotions of the buyer, just to make one more card sell. I’m not sure which scenario is worse, honestly.

However, the award for the most simultaneously hilarious and horrifying card goes to this one:

Oh, it only gets worse on the inside.

Why, why, why did someone think this card was a good idea? Why? Oh no, there’s more.

I can’t…I just can’t…words failing…why? Why???

I suppose at least it doesn’t have a Cathy cartoon on it. ACK!