If I were in charge of everything (and I should be), these are the rules that I would impose upon this joyous season that is upon us:

  • No retail store shall display nor market Christmas decorations or so-called “seasonal merchandise” until the week of Thanksgiving.
  • No Christmas music shall be publicly exhibited except between Black Friday (the day after Thanksgiving) and December 26th annually.  During those sanctioned times, public exhibition shall be proportionally limited to a to-be-determined ratio of Christmas to non-Christmas music, increasing in amount until the week of Christmas, when such music may be played all day for that week only.
  • Giving holiday-themed neckties as gifts shall be strictly prohibited.
  • Mall Santas shall be required to have real beards (seriously, what happens when the kid wants to give it a tug, or as it’s commonly known, the “34th street special?”)
  • Anyone who utters the phrase “War on Christmas” will be beaten with sticks.  Holiday sticks.
  • Anyone who refers to a Christmas tree as a “Holiday tree” will be beaten with sticks.  Christmas sticks.
  • The song “Wonderful Christmastime” shall be banned and purged from record.  All physical copies will be destroyed, all digital copies shall be deleted, and any master recordings incinerated.  Anyone caught humming it will be waterboarded. Paul McCartney shall face public execution for creation of said song.