I’m not really a ‘fancy watch’ kind of guy.  I rarely dress up, and the few watches I’ve owned were Fossils that I liked but didn’t last longer than a year.  Because, of course, FOSSIL WATCHES ARE CHEAP WATCHES.  So I’ve never owned a watch that cost more than, say, $80.  And I was okay with that.  Even if I could afford a nice watch (I can’t), it probably wouldn’t be a priority.  Lots of other things could be bought with a few thousand dollars.  Nerdy things, if not entirely practical ones.

And then I was browsing through this month’s Wired.  And I turned to page 91.  And I saw…it.  A full-page ad featuring a black Rado watch. I’m pretty sure my mouth watered upon the sight of it.  ”I want that on my wrist. Now.”

I do not recall a time when a magazine advertisement was so effective, so instantly compelling.  I immediately hopped up and went to the Rado store site listed at the bottom of the ad to find this piece of beauty, this curved, black slab of perfection — something I’m pretty sure I’ve never done before — and looked for it.  And looked.  And looked.

And the sonofabitch wasn’t there.

Not that it really mattered.  Not that I could afford one at the moment…or, you know, ever.  There were some passable watches there on the site. Nothing worth the asking price, in my estimation. But this…thing…this irresistible bit of perfection, seemingly fashioned specifically for my wrist…was nowhere to be found.  I couldn’t even admire it from afar…perhaps price it and begin to save for it (or shop for mortgages to afford it).  Because it DOESN’T EXIST OUTSIDE OF THE STUPID AD IN WIRED MAGAZINE.

So, in conclusion, I’d like to say: Dear Rado advertising department — please get your shit together.  And please send me one of those sublime, apparently non-existent watches. Thanks.