In anticipation of the last good serialized sci-fi show left on TV starting it’s final season tonight, I’d like to offer up my predictions for what LOST fans may anticipate over the coming weeks.

  • The Oceanic 815 survivors will make it off the island, only to realize they left the coffee pot on and have to go back again.
  • The meaning of Jack’s other tattoos will be revealed: stubborn, petulant, whiny, and self-righteous.
  • The Smoke Monster will finally speak. It will be voiced by Gary Coleman.
  • Hurley will say “dude” several times.
  • It will be revealed that Jacob is actually Christian Shepherd’s father, making him Jack’s actual grandfather. His grandmother will be…Libby.
  • The “Kate episode” will suck.
  • Walt will show up sporting a beard. This will be explained as being a result of magnetic time flux or whatever.
  • Ben Linus will be murdered. He will constantly lie about being dead.
  • The true identity of Jacob’s nemesis: YOU, THE VIEWER! It was you all along!