Picking up from where we last left off, the commercial break winds down and I begin the bottom-half of my horrible, horrible experiment.

Perfect – P!nk

  • Speaking of staying power…I remember when Pink debuted (without the “!”) as an R&B singer with “attitude.” Then she turned into a pop-rock singer…with “attitude.” Now she alternates between dance music and straight pop ballads like this one…with “attitude.”
  • What’s with all the self-esteem building songs lately? Oh, right.
  • Well, this song is bland and generic. I was hoping this experiment would produce a lot more anger and rage, because that’s funny. But most of the stuff I’ve heard so far just elicits a shrug and a “meh.”

Yeah – Usher / Lil’ John

  • If “Poker Face” is past its expiration date, this song is starting to smell like feet and change colors.
  • There are so many slashes in the songs they play on this station. Even the P!nk song had a rap part that could have easily been performed by someone else. Let’s say Lil’ Weezy. Is that even a person or did I make him up?
  • Here’s a serious question worth pondering: Would Lil’ John have made as much money if it weren’t for Dave Chapelle? Discuss.
  • Also, where the fuck is Dave Chapelle? He’s been so quiet lately I had to remind myself that he’s not dead. I know he probably doesn’t have to work, and I know he doesn’t want to compromise blah blah blah, but it’d be nice if he put out an HBO special or something.
  • Okay, this sounds like Ludacris. It is Ludacris, he just said his name. And now I remember seeing him in the video once a long, long time ago.
  • This song is mildly annoying because it’s basically only four notes, but at least it isn’t Katy Perry screaming at me.

Firework – Katy Perry

  • Dammit. Okay, bring the screaming.
  • I have previously made my feelings on Katy Perry very clear.
  • I also like John Hodgman’s take on her.
  • The verses aren’t so bad for peppy pop music. It’s just when she starts screaming like some sort of monster-tittied banshee that I feel the urge to murder come upon me.
  • The central metaphor of this song might be a little more inspiring if fireworks didn’t explode after a few seconds. Basically, she’s telling you to burn yourself out in a blaze of glory and die young.
  • “Ahh ahh ahh” and “sky” DON’T RHYME.

Grenade – Bruno Mars

  • I’m pretty sure Bruno Mars isn’t this guy’s birth name. If it is, I want to have a drink with his parents.
  • I get the feeling the lyrics are supposed to be somber and dramatic, but I keep chuckling. The part about a “bullet through my brain” really made me laugh.
  • I think this may qualify as a 4-chord song.
  • Hearing real piano was a nice respite from all the bloops and blorps, however brief it was.

Fuck you F U – Cee Lo Green

  • This is a song that has no business on the radio. Cee Lo proved that you didn’t need radio edits, or even radio play to have a song that caught fire and tore up sales charts last summer. And yet, more money is always good, I guess.
  • I like how profanity is immediately made ‘safe’ by shortening ‘fuck’ to ‘f’ and ‘shit’ to ‘shhh’. Because kids are stupid and they don’t really know what the words are, right?
  • Also, they just censored ‘ass.’ I’m pretty sure you can say ass on the radio.
  • Someone needs to make a song that’s incredibly catchy and graphically describes anal sex. Then release it on the internet and get everyone to listen to it. I’d like to see how they fit that onto broadcast radio and American Idol then.

Till the World Ends – Britney Spears

  • Ooh, this is a treat. I’m apparently listening to the “world premiere” of a new Britney Spears song. The DJ thinks that maybe Ke$ha helped write this one, but he isn’t really sure. Which is kind of strange. He’s a DJ, you’d think he’d know, or at least look it up or something.
  • So far, it sounds like it’s borrowing liberally from the G6 song. And from every other song I’ve listened to today.
  • Aww, remember when Britney set the standard for celebrity freak-outs? Charlie Sheen has gleefully taken that mantle and run with it, God bless him.
  • I can imagine that this plays well at a club, but listening to it in my office I’m just kind of bored. Not even actively annoyed like a BEP or Katy Perry song, just generally nonplussed.
  • The underwater part makes me think of Geometry Wars 2. RIP Bizarre Creations.
  • When I was a teenager, I knew someone a few years older than me who was really, really into house music in the mid 90′s. I didn’t keep up with her, so I wonder if she ever grew out of that phase, or she’s really, really happy with today’s music.

And that’s it! I managed to survive an entire hour, and as a nice bonus: NO BIEBER! I kind of feel like I survived a game of Russian Roulette with that one.