Rants

Argh! The Internet will tremble before my rage!

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The Lion’s share of Apple’s problems

5
11 months ago
in ,

 

You can say what you want about Steve Jobs, but the man likes his icons IN ROWS.

Did you ever wonder why Macs and other Apple products attract so much attention from both the tech and mainstream press, even though Mac users only account for 12% of the U.S. computer owning population?

Here’s the secret: it’s because most of those journalists and bloggers…studied journalism.

Apple basically invented desktop publishing with the Macintosh. Sure, in the early 1990′s you could get Photoshop or PageMaker for a PC. But Windows 3.1 just didn’t stack up to System 7 when it came to graphic design More >

Duhvelopers! Duhvelopers! Duhvelopers!

What the hell is wrong with Microsoft?

4
1 year ago
in , , ,

I’ve never really understood the devotion of die-hard Apple fanatics.  You know the type: the ones who have owned all four versions of the iPhone, the ones who think the Apple TV was a good idea, the ones who will argue with a straight face that Aperture can be just as good as Photoshop.

I’ve often thought it must be hard to be an Apple fanboy.  It’s not unlike being in an abusive relationship; no matter how much disdain Cupertino shows for their customers, they continue to make excuses, talk about how much they love their giant iPod, and bend over when Apple launches their next annual More >

The object of so much hatred, sitting on a throw pillow.

I no longer fear hell, for I have dealt with Xbox support

1
1 year ago
in ,

I recently purchased an Xbox 360 Elite, partially to relieve the burden of my first-gen 360′s crowded hard drive, and partially to serve as a Media Center extender for my impending conversion to a Media Center DVR.  And I was quite happy to have a brand new controller, one where the joysticks centered properly and the nubs hadn’t been worn off.

Except the controller that came with the Elite was broken.  The left trigger squeaked and stuck, which means I’d be stuck with my face in my sights in Modern Warfare 2 while being shot to death from the side.  When something affects a man’s kill/death More >

Watch what you advertise

0
2 years ago
in ,

I’m not really a ‘fancy watch’ kind of guy.  I rarely dress up, and the few watches I’ve owned were Fossils that I liked but didn’t last longer than a year.  Because, of course, FOSSIL WATCHES ARE CHEAP WATCHES.  So I’ve never owned a watch that cost more than, say, $80.  And I was okay with that.  Even if I could afford a nice watch (I can’t), it probably wouldn’t be a priority.  Lots of other things could be bought with a few thousand dollars.  Nerdy things, if not entirely practical ones.

And then I was browsing through this month’s Wired.  And I turned to page 91.  And I saw…it.  A More >

Why yes, Ms. Chenoweth, I do like older women...why do you ask?

It’s time for straight men to reclaim Kristin Chenoweth

1
2 years ago
in ,

Alright men – specifically, straight men – listen up.  This is Kristin Chenoweth:

She has become an icon in the gay community, and the majority of her fanbase is gay men…and this simply won’t do.  Straight men, we are taking back Kristin Chenoweth.  The reasons why we need to take action and reclaim her for ourselves are as follows:

  1. She’s gorgeous. This is kind of a given…otherwise we wouldn’t have to fight the gay men over her.
  2. She’s crazy talented. In addition to winning a Tony and being a fantastic actress, she’s also a classically trained  soprano. You know, the glass-breaking

    More >
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I, Robot, Tecate, and the art of product placement

0
2 years ago
in ,

Let’s get this out of the way: the film version of I, Robot with Will Smith is a terrible, terrible movie. It actually serves as an example of everything that can be wrong with a movie: straying too far from the original source material, lazy and cliched writing, terrible acting, poor special effects, and inappropriate product placement. It’s this last bit that’s probably the movie’s most egregious sin, since the opening scene has Will Smith unboxing a pair of “vintage 2004″ fucking Converse high tops.

This picture would be a lot funnier if I hadn't downloaded it from fucking Converse's own More >

Christmas demands from a would-be dictator

3
3 years ago
in ,

If I were in charge of everything (and I should be), these are the rules that I would impose upon this joyous season that is upon us:

  • No retail store shall display nor market Christmas decorations or so-called “seasonal merchandise” until the week of Thanksgiving.
  • No Christmas music shall be publicly exhibited except between Black Friday (the day after Thanksgiving) and December 26th annually.  During those sanctioned times, public exhibition shall be proportionally limited to a to-be-determined ratio of Christmas to non-Christmas music, increasing in amount until the week of Christmas, when More >
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