Dealing with Heelys
Jul 15, 2008 | Filed under Misc., Rants
It’s happened to you too many times to count. You were opening the door to the grocery store. Maybe you were at the mall. Perhaps you were walking down the street the last time it happened. The little brat cut you off, nearly knocked you over, or just generally irritated you by gliding around like a shitty little Scott Hamilton. You were a victim of a little snot wearing heelys, the shoe with a wheel in the heel and an obnoxious “y” in the name. Annoying little asshats all over have helped this trend gather steam to become a full-blown phenomenon. And they must be stopped.
Since most parents of the children wearing this unholy skate-shoe hybrid don’t actually want to be parents, and therefore couldn’t care less if their offspring are gliding around like frictionless assholes, we have to take matters into our own hands. We have to strike back, hard, and let these little bastards know that anyone attempting to skate in a crowded pedestrian area is asking for a world of hurt. Following are several suggested methods of attack. When appropriate, use any and/or all of these measures that you see fit. Do not be soft, do not be forgiving. You may think that they are just children, but remember…they are the enemy, and they brought this on themselves.
- The Sly Trip: This is the simplest and most basic way to take down a heeler. Step into the direction of any heeler nearing proximity to you, and perform a simple trip. Make sure to apologize to both the heeler and any parent nearby, to maintain the appearance of an accident.
- The Frame-up: Only attempt this one if a parent of a heeler is nearby. Much like the Sly Trip, step into the path of an approaching heeler, but allow yourself to be bumped by the heeler. Fall down dramatically — the bigger and louder, the better. At this point, you have two options: You can feign injury, allowing the parent to apologize and scold their wheeled spawn; or you can go on the offensive, screaming at the heeler’s parent about how careless they were and how angry you are. Results will vary depending on the apathy of the parent and your personality. As a bonus, try and make the heeler fall down in the initial collision as well.
- The Looney Tune: This is one of the more advanced maneuvers, and quite difficult to achieve. However, it is also one of the most rewarding when successful. In an area with readily accessible doors (a supermarket freezer section is ideal), wait for an approaching heeler, then appear oblivious to their presence and open the door quickly, causing them to strike the door and fall. Please note that laughing with maniacal glee afterwards will severely hamper your ability to play it off as an accident.
- The Slip-n-Slide: Again, another advanced takedown that’s both effective and satisfying. Obtain a paper soft drink cup, similar to one you might find at McDonald’s or almost any food court restaurant. Fill the cup with a dark cola and ice, and add in about a tablespoon of your favorite lubricant. I prefer WD-40, but you will develop your own preference after several runs. Pretend to drink your soda through a straw and wait in a non-carpeted area for a heeler to approach. Once in range, appear to accidentally spill your cola into the path of the heeler, and enjoy the show. Again, apologies are crucial to appear as if the incident was unplanned.
Of course, improvisation and ingenuity are the cornerstones of any good field operation, so if you know any other good methods to take down a heeler, share them in the comments below. Remember, we didn’t start this war, but we will finish it. Now get out there, and let’s teach these little bastards to walk again.
July 18th, 2008 at 2:56 am
I’ve pretty much decided that my children will not be allowed to have those infernal creations of Satan.
July 20th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Wow, these are amazing and twisted. I remember kind of wanting a pair and then realizing that I wasn’t 10 and that I would be shunned for eternity. It would make trips to the store easier until some clown dropped KY jelly-Coke in front of me.